I hate this time of year ,At the moment i just feel so tearful n keep crying :(
My dad died 5 years ago next month and its just playing on my mind
Yeah i think about him every day ,but this time of year just makes things worse.
Plus every were i look theres babies neighbours just had one ,And that gets me thinking about Tylor :(.
Life's going great at the moment but no matter how happy you are inside loosing someone hurts so much.
Just think I'm very emotional at the moment and everything keeps churning round my head ,my hearts in different places and it hurts.
Im fine just i duno tis life as they say and you have to get on with it.
Some times wish i wasnt so bloody emotional about life but then i wouldn't be me ..duno if thats good or bad lol .
But hey Love defo hurts ..loosing,being in and well you no .. When i love i do forever
Ahh well onwards as they say ..keep smiling x

thinks you couldn't make up my life even if you tryed lol..bit like a carry on film id say .. but hey makes life interesting and defo lots of laughs n smiles to mix with the crap n bad times lol

Love...

Poem written for me

For Claire



Love is like a deep, deep hole,

Easy to fall into, hard to escape.
Once you're in, it feels so good

With pure joy & adrenalin rushes.
Who wants to escape from all this attention?

Not us, we would be mad!
Enjoying too much the holding of hands

And the gentle, wholesome blushes.

The sharing of secrets, the telling of tales,

The truth can fuel the flame
That is so easily extinguished by

The stupid telling of an outright lie.
Forever is the only true direction,

So forever is where we shall go
Taking our time to get there, no rush,

No panic, just you... and I



The love of a friend is much more pure

Than the love you often find

It carries no burden, no grief, no pain.

Just there for both to feel.

Never sullied by the weight of lust,

That can cause broken hearts

Placed in the heart by your best friend,

It's purpose is to heal.

Hmm been doing alot of soul searching recently ..And come to the conclusion ..finally lol
That i need to grow up ! took me long enough didn't it only 35 years :-S ..
I'm unorganised..unruly and generally acting as if I'm a teen .. no harm i admit but it isn't doing me any favors in life and making things complicated for myself... and i cant be doing with complicated been doing that far to long.
I'm not going to change everything ,just organise myself more ..and make life more simple as i do make it hard for myself most the time lol.

Hey life's for living ..il be dead along time to sit n sweat the small stuff ..but if i just wake up and take hold of my own life and not let it dwindle away and get my self in a mess ..il have more time to enjoy it.

Back again

Back again blogging after a while of being unable to share things or wanting to i suppose ..all to complicated to explain.. maybe i will one day who nos ...

Life's ok at the moment ,missed having a good old blog about my random life lol sad ay.
Need to get my arse in gear for a job focused interview :-S hmm great NOT !
But hey ho...

Lonely girl

Staring at the top sheet
Listening to my hearth beat
Wondering how to say it
Playing over one track
Wanting you to come back
Want to have you here

Lying on a cold sheet
Jump into my car seat
Drive down to the river
Nightlight its reflecting
Somehow I'm expecting
Your voice in my ear

I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the thigs that you do

Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl


Lying in the long grass
Watching as the clouds pass
Hands held in silence
Your arms right around me
Feeling glad you found me
Feeling like I'm home

Wish you would remember
April to september
Wanting to be near me
Racing for the sunrise
Staring into my eyes
You and I alone

I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the thigs that you do

Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl


Lay back in my own dream
playback on a big screan
You and me together
Why give up a love found
Wish that I could write down
What you mean to me

I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
I wish that I could tell you
All the thigs that you do

Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl again
Come back 'cause I'm gonna be a lonely girl

(so lonely... so lonely.... so lonely... so lonely...)

Was it so wrong
No you said you loved me
Could ït be so easy
Just to walk away

Dreams part 2

Lol now I'm mad ..was squirrels last night lol amongst other things :-S and apparently it means-

-A squirrel could represent a comfortable friend, someone you enjoy having fun with.

-squirrel in a dream could also be pointing out the importance of planning ahead. Even if you want to have fun in your life, always be looking towards the future. Make sure you spend some part of your time preparing for the future, so that when it comes, you're ready.

-hiding something

Hmm :-S ..il look forward to to nights dream lol ..weiiiiiiirrrrrrrrd lol

Dreams

I keep having the weirdest dreams lol :-S.. I'm into dream analysis but mine don't make sense as in what they mean.
Think its just whats in my head at the moment to be honest

- Loyal
- Passionate
- Resourceful
- Observant
- Dynamic
- Suspicious
- Unyielding

Scorpio in a Nutshell:

Scorpio is the astrology sign of extremes and intensity. Scorpios are very deep, intense people, there is always more then meets the eye. They present a cool, detached and unemotional air to the world yet lying underneath is tremendous power, extreme strength, intense passion and a strong will and a persistent drive. Scorpios have a very penetrative mind, do not be surprised if they ask questions, they are trying to delve deeper and figure things out and survey the situation. They always want to know why, where and any other possible detail they can possibly know. Scorpio's are very weary of the games that other people try to play and they are very aware of it. Scorpios tend to dominate and control anyone that lets them, or anyone that they find weak. The person that a Scorpio respects and holds close to them is treated with amazing kindness, loyalty and generosity. On the outside, a Scorpio has great secretiveness and mystery. This magnetically draws people to them. They are known to be controlling and too ambitious but only because they need control for this makes them feel safe

Puzzle

I just want to say so much ..its all in my head but cant get it all out i suppose :-S
Things wer great thought id found a missing piece now that piece is backing away i feel inside.
I don't want that piece to go away ..I want it to stay even if its certain terms ..which I'm ok with
Quite weird how somethings just fit like a puzzle and when they ain't there no more kinda feels empty again.
Weirdly enough i have puzzle piece as a tattoo i had done as i always felt i had that piece missing from certain things that has happened in my life.

Somtimes.......

Sometimes by someone not saying anything ..it says so much more and hurts so much more then if they wer actually straight with you.
Every ones different i no and yes the truth hurts but so does not noing so much more id say ..well does to me.

Everything happens for a reason??? Does it ?? I don't no ,I thought i did ....

What a weird week :-S ...good weird and confusing weird if that makes sense ..lol OK I'm confused myself so no one else has a hope in hells chance of noing what I'm on about lol .

I just no I'm happy and want to be in the moment of every second and enjoy what i have at this moment in time in my life.

Funny old thing life it has ups n downs ..twists n turns and surprises you when you least expect it.

I just hope how i feel is how someone else feels and there happy to ..I no its confusing at the moment but everything happens for a reason i say ..and for a reason you came into my life

I hope your always be in it :)

I Love You x

The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see and things the mind cannot understand.

I some how feel different ,in a good way i mean ..i feel more complete if that doesn't sound weird.
I feel as if Ive found something that was missing from my life and even if i never fully have the missing part i no it will always be a part of me.
Its opened up all sides of myself that i had thought id lost along time ago .

Delerium "Silence ''

I can't help this longing
Comfort me
I can't hold it all in
If you won't let me

Written for me by someone so Thank you x


It happened I suppose, but it wasn't planned
She came into my life, and I feel that nothing will be the same again
The wanting is here, but everything about those feelings are wrong
However
Part of me wants it to be so right, so incredibly right
She fulfills me more than anyone ever in my life
Her warmth and passion flow through me
And to me
There will never be someone that fills that void in quite the same way
She needs love of which I can give, but cannot
And for this, I am truly sorry

Randomness

Ooo I'm on one today the randomness is flowing big stylie lol ...
Kinda good really as i no im getting back to being me again
Weird thing to say but makes sense to me.
I get knocked of course sometimes and then find my way back again.. don't we all ??
And many people knocked me off my course and then bring me back again
I have some great friends that lead me back to were i belong ... So thank you
Some aint even aware how much they help me .. i may speak alot or just in passing in life or on twitter ect ..but it helps me alot without you even noing

You (poem)

You mesmerise me ..intrigue me

My mind full of lust for you

I want to kiss you lips and feel your warm breath against mine

soft skin touching each others bodies

Hearts racing,minds pumping,blood flowing

With every touch and look

I want you!

Games...

why do people play games hmm .. i dont do games don't do it !! grr !!silly arses annoy me ..
Im not easly annoyed these days but when someone plays mind games that windes me up
Im not here for there enjoyment of seeing how high il jump

So im stepping away from the game players n hope you have fun doing what you do best as im not playing no more .. it don't work ..

Rant over lol (soz)

I never knew there would be a better tomorrow...it just came and stole my heart

took me away from the heartache

and showed me light from dark

maybe itl last ..maybe it will be passing

but thank you for dropping by and showing me

life isn't always in the dark

When someone comes into my life i must admit i think hmm somethings going to go wrong or there just out to hurt me (intentionally or not) that's just all i no from past experience.
I want to so much believe that someone likes/wants me from me and theres no hidden agenda ..if that makes sense..its a complicated thing to explain ..but i think iam restoring my faith in human nature lol not all men/people are well lets just say are end in ###KER lol ....
I love to much ..i care to much AND it gets you sod all usually ...but i dnt want to become a hardened bitch that doesn't care for no one ..maybe its better that way no feeling no worries ??
But that's just not me I'm afraid ..yer i say im a bitch ,im not.. only when provoked i no how to stick up for myself believe me !lol .. its hard to find a happy medium in life as in being caring and being a sponge .. are well tis life ..think im on one today thinking wise lol better shut up now i suppose :-P

Well what a day,week ,month,year,life ... funny old thing life ..never quite understood it .... lol
All i do no is you learn by your mistakes ..going through hell makes you stronger... falling in love/lust hurts so much...
you leave this life with nothing and you have to enjoy every moment as any second it could all be taken away from you ... or the people you hold dear could be ..so never ever take anyone in your like for granted....be that family,friends,partners/lovers whoever cherish them all
They all add you the tapestry of life... every person adds a square to my life ..be that good bad or whatever I'm me because of every person that touches my life ..some add to it.... some destroy it but we cant change whats been just make sure the future is the best it can be...

Afternoon world :) .... I'm currently listening to trance ,drinking coffee n generally chilling out ..its bliss...
So what have i been up to errr not alot really ,trying to sort all areas out from my brain to my flat cleaning lol well gotta clean out ya brain as well as ya house i say
Music and a good clear out of ya house work wonders for ya mood lol.
Na im in a good place at the moment brain wise ..i needed that feeling shit to make me see things more clearly and for now iam ..might not last but who cares im living for now sod tomorrow and sod yesterday !
I just have to set limits to myself as ive crossed my limits far to offen and i don't want to do that any more as it only screwed with my own head.
I believe in trying everything and living for the moment BUT somethings are a fine line and not to be crossed also ..its a hard one to explain but maybe one day i will how nos...
Oh well back to the trance and really should go out soon as well
well there ya go im still smiling and its Thursday ..woohoo lol .. some bugger will come alone n spoil it bet ya :-P na sod em im happy n noones takin that away from me no more im avoiding all who make me feel crap ..turning over a new chapter in my life and trying to rewrite the ending lol ... :-P
laters x x x x x

Things my father said ..............

I didn't always see eye to eye with my dad but i love him with all my heart and miss him everyday .. just wish i could say so much to him and explain so much .. wer ever you are dad I love you ,i no your watching over me

Random facts

Just see on twitter people adding random facts and i thought oo i have way to many to put on twitter lol so il blog them ..boring i no lol but hey i do waffle randomness so nerrr :-P

So here goes randoms facts about me ...

Ive been a vegetarian for over 16 years

I can put lipstick on with my breasts (party trick lol)

I once see pink floyd in concert & a few 80's groups

I was married 15 years and have a 16yr old son

I have 4 tattoos and 16 piercings

I actually like living on my own now

I have three cats ...lol now i sound like the mad cat women ..aww gawd :-P

Im interested in tarot,crystals,star signs and anything spiritual or anything weird not the norm

I support Chelsea ...but don't hold that against me lol

Im very untidy and a womble really i collect way to much crap !! (but im working on it lol)

I gave up smoking for 8 years ..then started again ... like a idiot :(

I once swallowed a penny when i was about 3

I love being with people and talking and getting no them

I love life now .....finally

I suffered from agoraphobia and depression for 14 years (doesn't mean im mad just means i been there n got the T shirt so now i understand how others feel and now appreciate life more )

i do still have depression but im dealing with it :)

I started training as a diesel fitter then a hairdresser when i left school .. odd combo i no lol

Im addicted to the Internet

I always wish on stars

I believe in after life

I try never to have regrets and live each day as if its my last

I'd love to find love again and be excepted for just being me

Im very touchy feeley person love to cuddle n kiss

Ive always wanted a VW beetle

I collect dragons and buddhas

I dye my hair when im fed up ..lol weeeeeeeeird

Im superstitious

Im a Scorpio and yes a typical one

I always wanted more children but didnt work out that way ,just grateful i have my son hes the best :)

Im passionate about all music

Ive lost 5 stone in 2 years ..still working on it as im still huge (think Dawn French no seriously i am huge n only 5ft 3 lol)

I love to smile and laugh and make others smile to :)

I have my tarot cards read alot

Im a trained manicurist and pedicurist (but hate feet :-S figure that one out lol )

Im kinda gothy looking always have been love wearing black and wear gothy makeup

Well there ya go randomness at its weirdest lol but that's me ....

Afternoon world lol ..I'm up n down like a yo yo @ the moment talk about mood highs n lows :-S
BUT hey that's all part of life i suppose ..isn't it ??
I really need to get away from things in my life and start again ..yet again just doing it im afraid and how ..who..wer ..n when lol
Arr sod it go with the flow i say ,don't like me don't talk to me then ,I'm not explaining myself to no one no more ..I'm me...the good bad n the ugly lol cant be anything more then just myself can i :)
Have a great week all xx

ATB - Made Of Glass

A change is coming I can sense it now
The weight is lifting and I'm sinking down
Birds are flying in the trees below
The tears are coming, I just let it go

If I could I'd hold this moment
If I could I'd make it last
Sometimes life just seems to shatter
Like we're made of glass

Breath on the water, dust in the sand
Make this moment last
Breath on the water, dust in the sand
We're all made of glass

I feel the wonder in my flesh and bones
I feel the hunger, will you take me home
Birds are flying in the trees below
The tears are coming, I just let it go

Sometimes life just seems to shatter
Like we're made of glass
If I could I'd hold this moment
If I could I'd make it last

Breath on the water, dust on the sand
Make this moment last
Breath on the water, dust on the sand
We're all made of glass

Today is a gift.... tomorrow a mystery.....yesterday is history

Thinking...

Alot of things have made me stop and think.. take stock of my life
Im in the driving seat so to speak ..yet i let it run away with its self
All false hope and wishes screw you up ,BUT it was me doing that to myself ive found no one made me feel that way i done it myself in my own head ,believed there was something that wasn't.
I spoke to a friend today and things they said made me think of myself the way i see life and how i care alot for people and i generally get hurt in the process.
I need to toughen up and forget about maybe and what ifs and enjoy the now ..i do but every now and again i slip back into my old self and it doesn't do anyone any good.
I have all that's important in my life at the moment and i should be very grateful :)

Right that last post was me feeling sorry for my self aka poor me syndrome as i call it lol ..i was a the bottom and when your there you cant see anything else BUT i think i needed to feel that way as today i do feel better ,i get very down and then some how get out of it just yesterday couldn't see anything else but blackness...

So im sorry for the down times i blog and do try not to just i think it helps me to sometimes to realise im a pratt lol i no that sounds odd but that's me lol

I need to see things ain't as bad as i think they are really

Have a good week all :) x x x

I'm really not in a happy place at the moment ... it usually passes but this one doesn't want to shift ..its annoying me big stylie ,i just cant get out of it
And don't see how i can ,itl pass as usual hopefully just this is taking longer then usual everything seems to be a crock of shit basically ,i don't wanna be around anyone or talk to anyone and by doing that its making me worse.
I don't want allot out of life..never have..just things start to go right and then turn tits up yet again ..that's life i no but give me a break please ..the crap times out number the good par usual
How do you completely change your life without it keep going back wards?
Ive changed so much of my life ..just i still feel its going backwards.
Arr well that's life i suppose cant expect all love n light all the time lol just at the moment i just cant take no more

Just be

You can travel the world
But you can't run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you're searching for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be
Just be

They say learning to love yourself
Is the first step
That you take when you want to be real
Flying on planes to exotic locations
Won't teach you
How you really feel
Face up to the fact
That you are who you are
Nothing can change that belief
Just be
Just be

'cause now I know
It's not so far
To where I go
The hardest part
Is inside me
I need
To just be
Just be

Just be
Just be
Just be

I was lost
And I'm still lost
But I feel so much better

'cause now I know
It's not so far
To were I go
The hardest part
Is inside me
I need
To just be
Just be

You laugh at me because I'm different... I laugh at you because your all the same

- unknown

Blog

I blog allot more then i actually publish .. i type away then think hmm shall i say that ..then i save it to draft ..i no that beats the object but few days later i go back publish it or delete it ..realy i think i blog to get my own feeling out and when i do it helps ..maybe weird but some things are hard to post ,saying that ive said allot in my blog anyway lol
I duno im weird :-S i no that lol
Ahh oh well should be off to bed i suppose

Night night :0) xx

80's Weekend

Well what can i say i had a amazing time ,haven't laughed n smiled so much in ages
Just what i needed really at the moment.

I drunk to much..smoked to much.. and something else to much lol :-P BUT was fun and something il remember for a long time and hopefully we'l all do it again next year :)
Took me a week to recover lol how sad ....iam getting old lol ..arr oh well it was worth it ..bring it on more i say !!

Right !!

RIGHT !! enough of me feeling sorry for myself !! lets have some arse kicking tunes lol !!

:-S

Last week or so this time of morning ive felt so sad ..only way to put it really :(
Just suppose it quiet ,i have time to think ect..not sure why just found myself just feeling sorry for myself 'aka' the poor me syndrome as i call it lol
My last few posts have been bit down n songs i posted for my dad n son ..I cant change there not here no more i no that ...just oh i don't no it never goes away the pain stays with you ,just you have to carry on with your life i no that ,just sometimes it comes back to the surface and feels like yesterday ..times a healer ?? in a way yes it just helps you except whats happened and go forward .. i hated that word except as i always thought it ment forget ..that might sound odd but i did think that if i excepted ment i was forgetting ..weird how the mind words i suppose.

Im fine though i have a weekend away friday to look forward to and see friends again ,which will be great ,just don't no whats up with me this week ..very odd
I need to sort my sleeping out as if i was in bed i wouldnt have time to sit and wallow in self pity i suppose ? Oh well that's life ...everyone has good n crap days and everyone looses someone close to them part of life im afraid
Sorry for the misery me lol im kool just blurrrrrrrrr ..roll on the weekend make me smile 80's piss up :)

This song reminds me of my dad and son no longer here :(

I don't no life's a weird thing ..well mine is certainly lol you think you no were your going and the road suddenly turns leaving you at a cross roads again in life.

Mines had and has so many twists n turns ,but as i said before i no were iam in myself 'kinda'so hopefully that will guide me to were I'm heading.



I thought to be happy i needed a man in my life lol i no funny ..but i don't and i shouldn't look either ,if you look you don't find apparently ..I'm not looking any more for anyone ...one day there find me hopefully ,i miss not being with someone to share my life with actually but in the grand scale of life il survive until i meet someone that treats me good as i haven't actually had that lol how sad is that, i always meet arseholes to put it blatantly and my hubby wasn't much better either ..so now no ones having my heart unless they want to treat it gently as its been hurt so many times it didn't no how it feels any more....now its healed and waiting for some day to give all my love to someone

I wish

I wish that .. hmm good question ..That life was simple ,uncomplicated,easy..but then you would never learn from your mistakes ,I suppose all the fun is in the learning ,the unknown ..

I think Ive learned from the mistakes Ive made lol ........ok I'm learning now from them lets say .

Never been very good with the unknown ,i like to no what's next ,be in control but sometimes you just have to let go of the tight grip you have on your life ..well i did anyway and say what will be will be ?

And hopefully what will be ..will be better then the past ..who nos? ..only time will tell ..

Escape

Followers

Ive actually got followers on here... woohoo THANK YOU ! i mean that never thought anyone would want to read my randomness and want to no what lurks inside my brain lol..

Its a weird place my brain full of random thoughts on love and life and everything really so thanks again :)

love n peace

Claire

x

''Laugh as much as you breathe & love as long as you live.”

Do not pursue the past.
Do not lose yourself in the future.
The past no longer is.
The future has not yet come.
Looking deeply at life as it is.
In the very here and now, the practitioner dwells in stability and freedom.
We must be diligent today.
To wait until tomorrow is too late.
Death comes unexpectedly.
How can we bargain with it?

By Bhaddekaratta Sutta

Music

“Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows to the soul.”

Well i never ..??!!

Well i don't offen find some one with similar tastes and be on the same wave length as me
And i did on twitter so bonus lol 'anyway' as il call them ;-) is defo a top person ! great to talk to and wicked taste in music ..so cheers 'anyway' lol

My loves

Well theres lots I'm passionate about ..but here's a few..lol in no order of course !

Music! music ,music and did i say music lol
Photography
My family n friends id do anything for them
Writing
Computers/technology /gadgets
Anything weird n different 'not the norm'
Veggi bacon lol mmmmmm
Laughing ,love humour ....love to smile
Cars n bikes
Men in uniform lol ..well what girl doesn't ?? lol
Learning ..love to learn i always want to no more
Being in 'love'
Cuddles n kisses
Tattoos n piercings

Well theirs a few I'm sure il tell you about more ..as ya do lol

Pet hates

Defo clowns

Midgets(scare me lol duno why )

Socks and sandals ewwwwwww

Bananas ( i no weird one there ..but hate the skins lol n the smell )

Spiders

Men who leave there socks on while 'at it' lol

Toilet roll holders ..now your thinking sheeeeeeeee's a nutter lol

Lids left on aerosol cans

Half used pill packets (i have to cut them off lol)

Oh the list is endless and yup I'm weird i no BUT lovable toooo ''sad puppy eyes '' lol

"Taking away my music ..means you'd be taking away my heart and soul ''

Holding on !!!!!!!!!

Woopwoop

I'm on such a high and i don't no why ..oo I'm a poet and didn't no it lol ..sorry stoopid mood..
Just loving life at the moment ..i feel high as as kite and no i haven't taken any drugs lol.
Just Ive finally ...i don't no ..just enjoying myself id say and I'm happy ..hope it lasts ,shouldn't speak to soon i suppose as what goes up must come down so they say ..but sod it I'm happy !!

25th april 09

Ive decided i will write a book lol OK stop laughing .. i did start to write and kind off stopped mid flight.
Its about my life before and after coping with different problems i faced and the weird things i did at times lol.
Il enjoy writing it even it i never do anything with it and maybe one day il let someone else read it ..hopefully when I'm no long dwelling this world lol or il die anyway of embarrassment with the thing il be writing ...

Anyway....... lol .. not a bad week actually more of a good mood week compared to the last few weeks when Ive felt yuk the 'poor me syndrome' reappeared as i call it lol but I'm good life's ok ..still smiling so that's a good thing :-)

Twitter

Twitter my second home at the moment lol,i just love and the people that use it are very cool ,Ive got to know so many wonderful people id never of met otherwise.
Twitter has opened a whole new world up for me...at first i thought hmm but glad i stuck with it.

Cheers twitter :)

Sometimes..

you have to stop thinking so much

And go were your heart takes you

If

lol ok im easily pleased..mmmmmmm lol

Lol my fav

LOVE this song and when i die i want it at my funeral lol :-P

I am

Smoking

OMG i smoke wayyyyyyy to much :-S,i decided to give up again over a month ago and did actually cut right down BUT now the more i think about giving up the more i actually smoke !!!!!??

Why i have no idea ??

I really need to sort it out i actually hate doing it now and its annoying me ,i no i can give up as i did for eight years ,then like a idiot stared again..I am a twat !

So Ive got to try and do it again prove to myself i can do it :)

Waffle

Oh I'm on a roll tonight got so much to say and its all waffle lol
But hey that's me full of randomness and waffle ..

I admit i am confused at this moment in my life OK always confused lol and all that confusion is swimming round my head and falling out as randomness waffling lol

yeah great i no..I could talk cod shit for hours lol

If U

So the saying goes..

If you cant be with the one you love ..love the one your with ..

Yeah right lol..when your thinking of the one your not with 24/7 lol bit of a mind fuck don't you think lol

Men

Why are men so weird ??? you tell me ..please ...no go on.. enlighten me to the male brain???
Because i really haven't a clue..Ive always said there lead by the dicks lol sorry but from my experience they are.

No seriously they are a mystery to me..i love them BUT have no idea what goes on inside there heads??..or is it just the ones i no lol ??

Or maybe its me ?? that's a point I'm there weird one !? lol
Ok i admit I'm weird wacky and whatever else in between BUT i don't play mind games..i don't think ...Im kinda straight forward take me as i am.. Iam what it says on the tin so to speak lol.

Arr well that's life i suppose one of the many mystery's il never no lol

Daft lol..but i wonder ???

I wonder if people wonder what I wonder, because I wonder what people wonder. Do YOU wonder what I wonder? Now THAT is what I wonder. I wonder what you’re wondering as you wonder what I wonder, if of course you’re even wondering what I’m wondering…

I wonder..

lol

I said to my 'ex' You can lie to me,You can lie to the court,hell…You can even lie in front of a bus!lol

Nasty i no :-P

Lyrics to My wish by Rascal flatt -

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,
show the world the warmth of your smile,
but more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more then you take.

But more than anything, Yeah, and more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
this is my wish
i hope you know somebody loves you
may all your dreams stay big

Purple rain

Lyrics | Prince Lyrics | Purple Rain Lyrics

????

I don't understand people sometimes?? saying that i don't understand myself half the time,so how am i ment to understand someone else???

answers on a post card lol

A - Z of me

A= affectionate
B= bonkers
C= caring
D= daft
E= easygoing
F= funny
G= giving
H= happy
I= i cant think of one lol
J= Jealous
K= kind
L= lover
M= mad
N= nuts
O= overweight lol
P= passionate
Q= quiet
R= romantic ,random
S= shy
T= tactile
U= understanding
V= vocal
W= wacky..weird..womble lol
X= x-rated
Y= young at heart
Z= zany

Sunday

Not to sure how i feel this week to be honest lol
Kind of in between ,not to sure of anything kind of mood :-$
Just one of them weeks i suppose ???
Been doing alot of thinking this week on what direction i want my life to go in and things i want to change ..well try and change and i think I'm getting there slowly. ....i think ?

Blogging

I really enjoy blogging ,but sometimes i no i have to hold back ..lol not very offen ..as i no i bare my soul in blogging.
Been blogging here n there for years about all parts of my life and now i can finally say there not as bad as they ust to be as in how i felt about my life and myself.
My first blog i ever done was at a time when i could see no future at all ..and reading today its just so weird in how my mind was working.
I never big myself up BUT noing how far Ive come in my life in the last few years im proud of myself actually..i no some days are crap but compared to how life ust to be every things going in the right direction for me :)

My week

My week hmmm lol ...

Vicki's comp went tits up so shes not been online boo hoo ..but hopefully itl be fixed tomorrow ..yay!..

Ive actually started sorting my flat out ..long time coming ..just got to keep at it now ..I'm such a hoarder its unbelievable lol .

Haven't seen a certain someone as much this week which is a good thing considering the probs i had last weekend ..don't need being called up and texted 24/7 BUT that came to a head last night n now its started again :( Aint a clue to sort it out ,yea ignore it all but i tryed that one.

Spoke to someone on a dating site lol i no there naff but so far he seems kool compared to rest ..only time will tell i suppose.

See Matt today which was kool ,haven't seen him in a while ,hes ok .

Soo what will next week bring :-$ ..something better pleassssssssssssse lol

Said it all :(

Take That Said it all - Lyrics:


When the tears fall away
And there´s no conversation
there´s nothing left to break
that´s not already broken
you´re staring into space
And every inch of silence
Been standing here for days, and days

Said it all
Nothing to say at all
Nothing to say that matters
haven´t we heard enough?

Said it all
Nothing to say at all
Nothing to say that matters
doesn´t matter any more

In the sudden light of day
The weight of expectation
Hurt begins to fade
As you find a new direction
Been talking here for days
and days and days

Said it all
Nothing to say at all
Nothing to say that matters
haven´t we heard enough?

Said it all
Nothing to say at all
Nothing to say that matters
doesn´t matter any more

All of the miles of
words we´ve spoken
All of the lines that got away
didn´t we take the time
to say them all?

All of the miles of
words we´ve spoken
All of the lines that got away
didn´t we take the time
to say them all?

Said it all
Nothing to say at all
Nothing to say that matters
haven´t we heard enough?

Said it all
Nothing to say at all
Nothing to say that matters
haven´t we said it all?
Lyrics: Said it All, Take That

Lucky

I'm so lucky who and what i have in my life .. I don't really have the right to sit and wallow in self pity compared to some people ,just sometimes i get the 'poor me' syndrome as i call it.
Yeah I'm not rich ..skint actually BUT i have a roof over my head,i have a loving family ,some people don't have any of that.
Some times you just have to realise you may not have what you want in this life but to enjoy what you do have as you waste time on what you don't have and don't appreciate what you've got in the here and now.
Life's so short when you think about it ,we all make mistakes ,but sweating the small things in life is wasted.
I only no this from experience of depression and other mental health problems but i also no when you do have problems you see no way out ..there is always a light at the end of the tunnel ..its just finding your way towards it i think and that's different in everyone but its only you that can do it,i always wanted someone or something to make my life all better ..then realised it was me that had to do it ..no pills..doctors..family can help you ,they can advise you and be there BUT its only yourself that can take that step and say enough is enough .

Death

I'm listening to radio 1 and there talking about cancer and death ect..
And there right you never get over loosing someone ,took me years and years to be able to not come to terms with but to realise that no matter what i do or say there never coming back.
I totally fall apart when i loose someone and my life just stopped completely for over 14 years and then i lost someone else and went backwards in how i felt again..but some how loosing the second person made me so much stronger ,how or why i really don't no ,maybe i new they wanted me to sort my life out and while they were here i didn't do it and i wanted to show them i can do it and not let them down.
I think about who Ive lost every single day ,but i don't hold on so tightly and i no i have to carry on..whether i like it or not.
Me not coping with death didn't just effect me it effected so many people around me ,So now i have to make how i was better ,i cant change the way i was but i focused so hard on who id lost i forgot the living .. i regret that but at the time i was unable to cope with anything.
Death is so final ,your powerless to what happens ,its out of your hands .you have anger,sorrow so many feelings its sometimes unbearable ..but life goes on no matter if we like it or not ..
I don't have any answers just never give up hope in anything ,i no that.

Sunday

Ok ..In a better mind state today ,yesterday..well wanted to just put my head on the oven lol totally just had enough really BUT i do bring it on myself sometimes.

Today well still in a mess but I'm going to sort things and not be the victim any more .

What Ive done

"What I've Done"

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Them words are so true to my life right now ..............

OMG

What a shitty day !!... Ive bitten off more the i can chew with this bloke me thinks lol ..gotta laugh or il cry..

I should look before i leap :-$ ...I have no idea how to get out of this one ..

We........

We adore those who ignore us,ignore those who adore us,hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us...

Week

Keep thinking its Friday for some odd reason??don't no why ? or maybe wishful thinking lol.
Quiet week really bit of a weird one ,didn't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone either.
Kind of had the yo yo effect this week ..up n down ,duno why either .. very strange!!
Oh well the weekend shall soon be here.

Best of..

That song' best of you' ust to remind me of my 'ex' but now ..it has other meanings ..No one ever finds out the best of me usually in my world they just see what they want and judge you ..believe what they want.. i no who iam deep down ..that's all that matters to me.

Best of you ...Are they??

Lyrics

Yup i have an obsession with song Lyrics..Always have done ..I kind of associate with them ..Music is a big thing in my world ,id go mad with out listening to music ..BIG time!
So when i feel a certain way sometimes song lyrics say just how i feel ..weird maybe but that's me lol.

And today one is..drum roll please.. lol..

Life??

Ive changed mine so much in the last few years,Some for the better id say but also some for the worse.
But i suppose theres always bad before you can finally find some good? isn't there?
I'm not sure anymore if I'm honest...
Kind of in a rut and cant get out of it ,or do but fall back in it again.
How do you finally find inner peace with yourself?

Answers on a post card please lol...

Everybody Hurts

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

Loving someone

Loving someone, is no guarantee that one day that person won't leave.
There is no choice in the matter.

You must give your love freely, and without strings attached.

If you go toward people always asking for guarantees or protection, you will make them feel that you don't trust them.
In turn, they won't trust you. It's a vicious cycle, and the only way out is through giving your heart unconditionally.

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

God nos what happened ..i feel like shit !! Been alright ,talk about mood drop!
Il get out of it soon as it appeared ,Hate it tho..just reminds me when i was really bad and never see a way out depression wise ,and i always think oh no here we go again..but as i said i get myself out these black moods now days.
I seem to get them when i have no answers to stuff and at the mo i defo don't have any answers to a few things - money big time ,and people lol ..mind fuckers they are lol..but hey suppose iam as well lol.
Anyway hopefully il feel better later on this mood can sod off ! I don't wanna be miserable life's to short!And Ive wasted enough of mine believe me !!

Hmm

Why is nothing simple? I'm sure i do all this to myself ya no lol.
I make life difficult for myself ,so only have myself to blame ..bloody idiot lol

Another week...

Another week ..wonder what this one will bring ..mine are defiantly interesting lol
Never no what will happen ,Yes sometimes there crap ! but all in all never dull.
Maybe the life style i lead lol Always looking for new adventures ;) lol and my adventures usually are funny as fuck!
Mainly from the idiots lol sorry the people i come across in my weird world lol.
And i no some 'idiots' believe me..now i sound a complete bitch lol but no believe me there idiots lol...I'm a magnet for them ..they think im one lol they'd be surprised ! i may look it but I'm farrrr from one.

Got the dentist tomorrow 'Oh what joy! NOT' sons going as well hes not happy either bless him ..has to be done tho :-$ lol.

Oh yea st Patric's day today just heard on the radio..'Happy St Patric's Day' lol

My giving up smoking ..giving up is a loose word at the moment ! I have had a ciggy ..I nooooooooooo naughty ! But ..ok no buts i have no will power at the mo :( But Ive stopped..started..cut down.. lol started again ..Il get there one day ..!!
I WILL lol .

Photography

I'm mad about Photography id love to become a photographer big time ! Just haven't a clue were to start/look ect and it costs alot i think as well,which i defo cant afford either boooo !

Think i really need to look into it and find out who ,what were n when lol then il no ..been thinking about it for a while and always been interested just haven't done anything about it ..story of my life there lol.. i think alot but actually doing I'm a bit lets say ....scared ,Don't no why ..I'm not backwards in coming forwards ..just a worry wort in life lol idiot i no !

Armin Van Buuren Lyrics Simple things..

Wasted days, I’m caught up in the fruitless chase
Wanting more than anything that’s come before
And I wish I didn’t have to choose
When I know there is so much to lose

Cruel desires blind me to the simple things
Lost in fires of passionate imaginings
Cruel desires blind me to the simple things
Lost in fires of passionate imaginings

Simple things, simple things

Holding out, feeling that it just might come
Cursing doubt that keeps you from the perfect one
And I wish I didn’t have to choose
When I know there is so much to lose

Cruel desires blind me to the simple things
Lost in fires of passionate imaginings
Cruel desires blind me to the simple things
Lost in fires of passionate imaginings


Simple things, simple things

I’m torn between what I know and what I dream

Armin van Buuren -

''Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."

Jigsaw

Very weird as it may sound ..I've always felt like a jigsaw puzzle..always trying to piece the pieces together,always feeling i have a piece missing and always trying to feel complete.

That's why i had a jigsaw piece tattooed to find my missing piece,partly as when i suffered with depression that was the piece of me missing and also for other reasons to.

I sometime wonder if the 'puzzle' of me will ever be finished ? or will i always have that bit missing.

I dont..

'I don't want to be someones "something" I'd rather be someones everything'

My week

Hmm my week was interesting to say the least..lol..was up n down as always like a yoyo
But the highs out weighted the lows definitely.
Had a kool date last night ..yeah i said 'date'woohoo lol first one in err god nos,nice meal and a drink and kool company as well ,haven't laughed so much in ages,and i really needed it,even if it doesn't go anywhere i had a wicked night.

I no !

I no what people think of me you no..


I come across as one thing BUT I'm not only that,Deep down I'm more then that and situations have turned me into something else.





Ive tryed showing theres more to the real me inside ..I cant be someone else ..I cant hide the fact i love to much..i care to much and i hurt to much and in the end I'm only hurting myself .





Men think I'm a slag,women think i pinch there men and I'm a bitch ..





Sometimes people i don't even no think that..they wanna be in my life to understand me..to no how i feel..to no how much i hurt .





I'm just open personally,sexually doesn't mean shit and doesn't mean I'm a door mat either.





You respect me ,and i do you..respect lol i use that word loosely! I lost that along time ago for some people in my life,who think I'm nothing..Live in my world and your understand what its like.

Poem

I see this and just like the words…

I walked alone down this unpredictable path
Of raging emotions and flying colors
In an ocean of wistful thoughts
Consuming my mind

All the adventure had worn me out
I began to hear the voices in my dreams
Calling me out of the tremulous waters
Back to the warmth of security—my home

Instant relief swept over me at my arrival
There was everything as I had left it

but something was amiss
Something that had not been there
in the first place
But it should have been
Because I felt empty inside
I felt I was made of naught but skin

It was you that was missing
The you who had yet to enter my life

I cannot explain why I knew this then
I can only guess
that perhaps it was Destiny
That we should be together
Real friends for eternity

I hope you understand
(and some how I know you will)
That we are connected through the higher frequencies
of the Universe
As is every living thing on this Earth
Except that our paths were meant to cross
And we were meant to meet
So that we could fill each other’s lives
with goodness and peace

No one should be left to themselves
When they have battles to fight
and obstacles to overcome
Unless they choose to do so alone

But even though one of us prefers to be alone
We will at least be given the chance
the chance to make things a whole lot easier
By sharing our burdens

For what might be a burden to one
Could be a blessing to the other

So together—when we meet (as the Universe has willed) --
Let us transform our lives for the better
Creating blessings out of burdens
Magic out of pain
And Love out of darkness

Just as it was meant to be.

Please do not let the chance pass you by
When it comes, embrace it!
As will I

Then suddenly, we will sprout wings…
and we will fly to our individual Destinies
Be reunited with our Twin Souls
And swiftly reach Enlightenment
Being blessed by the innocence of the Angels

Sail away

Sail away ..David Gray

The words remind me of my son and not a day goes past i dont wish i could hold him again ..

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything I held so dear
Disappeared without a trace
Oh all the times Ive tasted love
Never knew quite what I had
Little darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning round inside my head

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Ive been talking drunken gibberish
Falling in and out of bars
Trying to find some explanation here
For the way some people are
How did it ever come so far

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now
Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Rest in peace Tylor x

Its been a while!

Me

Hmm me well ..way to complicated i say,nothings ever simple in my world lol ..mainly my own doing.

Wear my heart on my sleave fall in lust to offen ..have highs n lows in my mood ..up or down thats me !

Love music with a passion all stylies and would pine without my music on

Have always been big girlie lol but am working on it and have been for years n years lol :-$ but hey fat ..thin.. wobbly .. im just me but some people see fatty and not the person inside IDIOTS! lol

Been searching for something in my life for a while BUT now i no ..theres nothing to search for just be in the now and enjoy whats around me ,and what i have around me is the best,family ,friends ..im lucky just sometimes i dont realise it ..twat i no

Im way to open ..gotta stop wih that one lol just take a step backwards before i leap lets just say lol

Have the BEST mum in the world! shes been there no matter what and is my 'rock' to this world ..and without her i no i wouldnt be alive today,i do really believe that ..life was/is so bad at times ,she puts up with alot from me and im forever grateful i have her in my life.